Hunky Canadian actor Sean van der Spak, 23, claims he was abducted by aliens in an exclusive interview with Appalling Trash. "It was terrifying," claimed the young movie star. "I was on my way home from 7-11 when I spotted a glowing orange light above me. Before I knew it, I was on what looked like an operating table in a spaceship, being probed by little aliens in lab coats. I shit my pants when I saw that we were in outer space - I could see Earth from one of the windows!" Van der Spak went on to say that the aliens were about about 1.3m tall, with no body hair, mouth, genitalia or ability to sing or dance. "When they had finished their examination of my hot body," he continued, "they let me go. I was so glad to get off their spaceship." Van der Spak also added that the aliens did not speak to him; they instead relayed messages telepathically or by whispering sweet nothings in his ear. He also said there were a few other humans onboard, humans who were being not only examined but asked to explain how Ashlee Simpson had come to be a singing superstar. 
Despite widespread disbelief in van der Spak's story, prominent UFOlogist Nigel Swoffield believes the young actor's abduction is the real thing. "Yeah, I believe him." Thanks, Mr Swoffield, for that in-depth investigation.

Ricky Martinique's new promotional video for his latest single Hola, Amiga! has created a storm of controversy in Latin America. The 28-year-old singer appears completely naked in the video, which was directed by Swede Jonas Ikgluder. "I think it's an absolute disgrace," moaned San Salvador resident Margarita Gonzalez-Smith to Appalling Trash. In response to the criticism, Martinique claimed through his publicist that it was his right to express himself artistically, naked or fully-clothed. Meanwhile, the song has debuted at Number 3 on the Latin America music chart, and is expected to reach Number 1 by the end of the week. As they say, all publicity is good publicity.

World famous author Madge Mary Michaels, 68, is recovering in an undisclosed hospital in the Caribbean after being brutally bludgeoned by toyboy lover/fire artiste Flamenco, Appalling Trash has learned. Authorities were first alerted to the crime when neighbours reported hearing raised voices and cries for help. "It was quite distressing, actually," claimed Judy Michaels (no relation). "It was quite obvious Madge was in trouble. I heard some really terrible screams and things being broken. I knew then that I had to report it to the police." 32-year-old Flamenco (real name George Jones) fled the scene before the police arrived, but was later captured trying to charter a boat to South America. The extent of Michaels' injuries will not be known for a few days. In the meantime, police are interrogating Flamenco in hopes of discovering the cause of the attack. So far he hasn't said a word.

Debby Wong, 25, buying a dildo from Frank's Sex and Tackle Shop on Tenth and Gilbert in Brentwood, California

Desperate Househusbands' Moody St James, 25, buying Q-10 cream from a pharmacy in fashionable Harajuku in Central Tokyo.

HRH The Prince of Mortanska, 30, arriving by private jet at JFK International Airport for a meeting with US President Mackenzie Allen

A topless Bitch McNeil, 37, making out with her boyfriend, toilet seat scion Jean-Luc Picazon, on a beach in Greece

Billie Mae Caulpepper, 32, Reality TV's most stupid Survival contestant, trying on crotchless knickers sans bikini wax at Cupid in London

Hi dahlings, It is I, Fran-Tique, delivering yet another bumper issue of celebrity news. I have loads to tell you, too.
Well, it's official: Appalling Trash, the dahling company that allows me the chance to spread lovely Fran-Tiqueness, is going interglobal. Yes, that's right. On Feb 1st, all things Appalling will be accessible in such solar systems as Oin, Boin and Grogan. Exciting times ahead.
In other news, I recently visited my apartment in Monaco. What an absolutely divine place. I always enjoy visiting Monte. But how things have changed.  Everything has become so expensive. Luckily for me, I'm loaded and will never have any money problems.
Oh, and do I have news for you! The other night I attended a party in Bel-Air, hosted by none other than breakfast cereal magnate (and closeted teddy bear fondler), Jorge Pecante. The champagne flowed until the early hours, guests tickled, groped and licked whatever they could get their bejewelled fingers on, and Jeanie Crawford came first in the OVER 80s WET T-SHIRT competition. I got home at 5am the next morning, slept for 2 hours and then hopped on my jet, bound for breathtaking Tahiti.

Remember, gorgeousness is not something you're born with, it's something you get when you're rich and famous like me. 
Well, dahlings, until next time. 
XXX