BREAKING NEWS Crawford Alive! 
In what is turning out to be the news story of the decade, 102-year-old Canadian film legend Jeanie Crawford, star of such classics as The Married Slut (1919) and The Towering Phlegm Dispenser (1972), was found alive on July 11th in rural Montana. The actress, long-thought dead from an overdose, was actually held captive for ten years by a psychotic with a really bad haircut. "It was horrific," explained Crawford to Appalling Trash from her bed at an undisclosed hospital in California. "First, I was kidnapped from my home, the whole suicide was faked, it happened so long ago, but I remember it so clearly!" And what of the kidnapper? "The guy was an absolute nut. I mean, he kept me locked up for ten years in a dingy basement, and he made me listen to Maureen McGovern's The Morning After - You know that song? From The Poseidon Adventure - every day! I almost offed myself!" And how did Crawford escape? "That my dear Appalling Trash readers will have to wait. I sold the Escape-from-psycho rights to Sonni Pictures. You'll have to go see the movie next summer!"

De Genitalia's Demands 
Leave Film Crew Fuming
Italian condom heir and occasional actor Gino de Genitalia, 38, has caused quite a stir on the set of his new movie, Shakespeare's Body Slam, according to eyewitnesses. De Genitalia has made such outrageous demands - 24-hour body massages, nightly male escorts, on-call prostate examinations and macrobiotic meals - that studio heads are wondering if it would be much less stressful to find someone to replace the Italian star. "De Genitalia's been a real pain in the ass," said film gaffer Hal Sparkplug, who asked to remain anonymous (but this request was subsequently refused). "He's been prancing around the set like he's some prima donna in heat!" added makeup artist Julie Nivens. Assistant director George Brown counters all the bad press by stating that: "Gino has been a true professional on the set. His requests - and I repeat, requests - have been very minor ones indeed." Film critics believe Brown will say and and do anything to keep his star happy, fearful de Genitalia will use his billions to bring down the studio if rubbed the wrong way.

Succubus-Smythe 
Has Reason to Smile
London society darling Sissy Succubus-Smythe, 43, has many reasons to smile. Her TV show Flying High is a hit, a new film set for release in 2006, You Can Take The Girl Out Of London, But.... is in pre-production, her love life has never been rosier, and her annual charity gala is expected to raise a considerable sum for the endangered rainforests of Syria. "Yes, I'll admit it," said Succubus-Smythe to Appalling Trash in an exclusive telephone interview, "I'm absolutely blessed. As you know, I absolutely adore acting. It's just such a gas. My new film is set in London, and, as you know, it's my city, my paradise." And what does Succubus-Smythe have to say about her new paramour, toilet bowl scion the Hon. Dougie Thrushton, whose relationship with Lady Celia Buttstrangler, 35, ended recently?  "He's a real charmer, our Dougie! I love the fact that he's known as a toilet seat scion. He's a fantastic lover who satisfies me immensely." Right. Hmmm. Anyway, Succubus-Smythe also finds time to give an update on her pride and joy, the Green Actors Guild, a union of actors which devote themselves to the preservation of the rainforests. "Well, darling, as you know, last year's gala benefit raised a whopping $12.40! This year we're hoping to top that. $13 or $14 would be really nice!"

Buttstrangler's Breakdown 
Causes Film Set Shutdown
Lady Celia Buttstrangler, 35, who is currently on location in Mozambique filming Franke Knows - a direct-to-video shlockfest with a budget so tight Buttstrangler has had to share her trailer with a group of monkeys and a zebra with a nasty case of herpes - has allegedly had a mental breakdown, forcing the film's producers to shut down the set until Buttstrangler is well enough to return. "It's quite serious," said Dr Boobii, a psychiatric professional hired by the film producers to assess Buttstrangler's condition. "Ms Buttstrangler will require around-the-clock care for the foreseeable future." Not all on the set believe Buttstrangler is ill - in fact, some believe that the whole thing is just Buttstrangler's way of getting out of her contract. "I really do believe that [Buttstrangler] is faking this illness," ranted one employee, who asked to remain anonymous. "She knows that the film is an utter piece of crap, that it will ruin her already limited star appeal. She's a real bitch for doing this to everyone!"

Martinique Home 
Washed Away in Freak Accident
Latin superstar Ricky Martinique, 27, watched in horror as his luxury 35-bedroom beachfront home in Puerto El Triunfo was washed into the Pacific Ocean on Tuesday morning. Heavy rains and unstable housing foundations contributed to the disastrous accident, described by local residents as the worst accident they had seen in recent times. "Ricky's obviously very upset," said publicist Jeanie Sambora by telephone to Appalling Trash. "But he's a fighter, and he has vowed to build a bigger and better home in its place." No comment has come from Martinique, who has refused all interview requests. Some celebrity reporters claim that while Martinique's prized collection of cat skulls was saved at the last moment, his entire $60 million collection of Picazzo piss prints was unfortunately washed away with the house.

New St John Film 
May Need Some Trimming
The studio bankrolling Lusting After Picasso, the graphic new film starring Myrtle St John, 100, has been given one week to submit a censored version of its film, after the Uruguayan Censorship Board (UCB) refused to pass the film with a PG-13 rating unless changes were made. UCB President, Jose Perez claimed the film "revels in its filthy nature, and the sight of 100-year-old Ms St John in the nude is gratuitous, to say the least". "I find the whole situation ridiculous," said St John, via internet weblink from her Virgin Islands home. "I mean, come on, this film is an artistic masterpiece. And, as for Mr Perez's comments about seeing me in the buff, well, you should know that I worked out four hours a day, five days a week before shooting began. My butt is so tight, you could bounce a quarter off of it!" Producers of the film are considering releasing an unrated version of the film on DVD, but are "hopeful the UCB will come to its senses and realise that in this day and age, anything goes!"

Fran-Tique Sues Laxative Company for $179 million 
Internationally renowned Drag Queen Fran-Tique, 30, is suing New Delhi-based multinational laxatives company CHOCDROPS Inc. for $123 million for unlawful use of her image in print and television advertising, and another $56 million for pain and suffering and mental anguish. "I'm mad as hell!" screamed the buxom lady via telephone in an exclusive interview with Appalling Trash. "I have instructed my lawyers to bring this f**king company to its knees!" CHOCDROPS Inc. spokesman Leonard Buttsmear at first declined to give his company's side of the story, but later claimed in a not-so-carefully worded statement that "Ms Fran-Tique's claims are utterly absurd. We are happy to fight the scrag in court, and if she doesn't keep her big fat mouth shut, we'll send out a hitman to clear up the whole f**kin' mess!" Meanwhile, laxative sales have skyrocketed, and TV comedians from Bermuda to Brisbane, Hicksville to Heinzville claim they haven't had such fantastic material since Margot Kidder's de-breasting at a Safeway supermarket in Dee Why, Sydney.