Milton's Dog Day Afternoon
Ginger Milton, 23, the young Canadian star of such hits as 2005's A Time To Thrill: The Barbara Dean Chronicles, may never visit a stationery shop ever again after an embarrassing experience on Rodeo Drive last Saturday. According to shocked witnesses, a bespectacled Milton, surrounded by bodyguards and eating refried beans straight out of the can, "went absolutely stark raving mad when she came across a packet of - would you believe - blue paperclips!" said Harry Smith of Montana. "She got down on all fours and started barking like a Chihuahua in heat," added Harry's wife, Edina, a one-legged ice skater. "We tried to help Ms Milton regain her composure, as did her bodyguards, but she began frothing at the mouth and she almost bit off one of my fingers!" When contacted by Appalling Trash, Milton's publicist Judy Brady confirmed the story, and added that, according to the specialists that examined Milton immediately following the incident, the star has something called Papercliporitis, a very rare disease that affects one in a billion.

Revelation 
Upsets St James Family
Desperate Househusband Moody St James, Olestra Sangria Landaverde St James, 33, is, in fact, not his sister! All was revealed recently on TV talkshow Orpah Winfree when Mrs St James, a hopeless alcoholic and habitual glue sniffer, blurted out that step-daughter Olestra - daughter of Earl St James and his late first wife Elvira - had actually been adopted as a child. When asked by upset audience member Hattie Stubbes how a mother could reveal something so personal in front of a worldwide audience, Lydia St James, drooling and unable to focus her eyes on anything save for her bottle of vodka, squawked: "That bastard ex-husband of mine left me with nothing but a pile of debts and unruly kids. Why should I care about this!" Meanwhile, Olestra's publicist Maggie Mitchell-Borden issued a statement claiming that "while understandably shocked by this revelation, Ms St James has called for calm and has requested that the media respects the family's privacy in this time of confusion." Earl St James' office was contacted by Appalling Trash, but the four-times married Brit refused to comment.

Koongal's Privates 
Go Up In Blazes
British socialite Bettina, Duchess of Koongal, 50, got the shock of her life when she returned from a Tahitian getaway to find that her luxurious 16th century mansion had fallen victim to an arsonist who has so far torched more than a dozen homes throughout upmarket London suburbs. When interviewed by Appalling Trash's Jemima Knockers, Koongal broke down in tears several times, but did have a few words for the currently-at-large arsonist. "Whoever you are, watch out! I won't rest until I've tracked you down ... And when I find you, it ain't gonna be pretty, you f**ker!" Asked if she had lost many items of sentimental value, Koongal added, "I've lost all of my crotchless knickers, my collection of erotica - my autographed picture of Florence Henderson in the nude, for crying out loud!" Meanwhile, a police investigation is currently underway, and steroid-crazed detectives are on the streets looking for clues and stuffing their faces with cream-filled doughnuts.

Latest Box Office Take
Grogan's Revenge $43,156,679 (2 weeks); Bustarella $56,980,453 (10-year re-release; 2 weeks); It's a Terrible Life $17,897,132 (4 weeks); How Dare You... 16,789,456 (2 weeks); State of Confusion 6,768,890 (4 weeks)

Critically reviled Grogan's Revenge continued its run at the top, earning another $20 million to bring its 2-week total to $43 million. Teen-comedy State of Confusion, on the other hand, struggled in its fourth week, only grossing another $2 million, bringing its 4-week total to $6.7 million.