Duchess of Koongal Sued
Bettina, Duchess of Koongal, 50, the glamorous British socialite whose mobile phone rings off the hook, is being sued by a woman who claims that the duchess has caused grievous bodily harm, stress and loss of earnings.  In the shock lawsuit, Arizona school teacher Bobbi-Sue Finklesmutt, 38, claims that whenever she sees the duchess's face on TV or in magazines she falls down on the floor, and begins drooling and spasming uncontrollably.  Finklesmutt also claims that as a result of her affliction her marriage has broken down, her job is at stake, and her bowel movements have become irregular ever since the first occurrence.  Finklesmutt wants $35 million in damages, and will be represented by the team that got O.J. Pimpson cleared of murder charges.  The Duchess of Koongal could not be contacted by Appalling Trash, but her publicist stated that "the charges are absolutely ridiculous.  The duchess will fight these money-hungry worms who seemingly have no qualms about destroying a socialite's social standing."

Catsick Finds 
Husband In Clinch With Monkey
Feisty feminist actress/self-esteem guru Felicity Catsick, 36, has separated from second husband, sculptor Mal Eboo, 42, after finding him in a sexy clinch with his pet monkey, Pookie.  "I was shocked at first, very shocked indeed," said Catsick to Appalling Trash in an exclusive telephone interview.  "I don't really want another divorce, but I do need time to think about things."  Catsick has moved into the couple's Santa Barbara beachfront mansion, while Eboo has decided to remain in the couple's Bel-Air mansion where he can continue sculpting in his state-of-the-art studio.  Eboo has thus far made no comment about the incident, but some sources close to the sculptor say "he is hopeful Catsick will take him back.  He realises it was a huge mistake, and wants his wife back."

Dubios the Subject 
of New Docu-drama 
Punk rocker Cireola Dubios, 31, is angry that a new docu-drama focusing on the singer's battle with prescription drugs and Metamucil will be released in December despite a last-ditch attempt by the singer to block its release.  Dubios even tried to sue the producers and co-executive producer/narrator Bettina, Duchess of Koongal, 50, but was unsuccessful.  In the docu-drama to be broadcast on America's AB-SEE Network on December 3rd at 8.30pm, viewers will see the singer's descent into prescription drug hell as she snorts her way through months and months while on tour around the world.  Friends of Dubios who offered information feel betrayed by the producers for duping them into believing the docu-drama would be a tribute to the sexy singing superstar.  "I can't f**king believe it!" cried one friend.

Bambini Decides To Sit on a Rocket
Italian sexpot Busty Bambini, 31, has announced that she plans to celebrate her birthday differently this year.  The actress, filming A Land of Johns on location in Canada, Jamaica and Hawaii, will turn 32 on September 30th.  Last year Bambini celebrated in style by skydiving naked into a crowded marketplace in downtown Bangkok.  This year the Italian stunner hopes to make history by rocketing herself into orbit on the back of a North Korean ballistic missile.  A close friend of the actress says, "Busty's always up for something new.  I just hope she doesn't hurt herself, you know, like bursting one of those breast implants she's recently had implanted!"

Bogcover Regrets 
Not Taking Film Role
Crusty old retired celebrity columnist Sir Lionel Bogcover, 78, has a few regrets apparently (who doesn't?) according to his soon-to-be released autobiography A Bog's Life.  In the 778-page book, Bogcover talks about his failed romances with Mary Pitchfork, Cary Brant and Judy Garlick.  Bogcover also reveals that one of his stupidest decisions was turning down a pivotal role in 1976's hit comedy Murder by Death.  The film was a veritable showcase of talented performers: Maggie Smith, David Niven, Truman Capote, Eileen Brennan, and Alec Guinness (who took the role offered to Bogcover).  The wealthy gossip extraordinaire states in the book, which took three years to complete, that his agent advised against accepting the role because the part would have required Bogcover to appear naked.  "My agent told me that my butt was too wrinkly and flabby, so I declined the offer.  Only later did I find out that my agent was a double agent, of sorts.  He had been working for Guinness as well!"