Lady Celia Buttstrangler to Wed?
Stuck-up B-grade film star/wannabe socialite, Lady Celia Buttstrangler, 34, will marry the Hon. Dougie Thrushton, 56, next month at Thrushton's palatial estate Mar-A-Jago, according to close friends (who don't mind snitching).  The thrice-married Buttstrangler, sometime star of straight-to-video horror pics, has been dating toilet seat scion, Thrushton, for the past three months.  One friend claims, 'CeCe and Doug are like two peas in a pod.  They are made for each other!'  The happy couple has been spotted by rabid celebrity spotters enjoying the races at Ascot, getting wet at the Annual Wet T-shirt Extravaganza in Hawaii, dining on roasted cockroach soufflé at Moravia, and going through Liz Taylor's garbage.

Empire of the Ants Sequel Mooted for Summer 2005
Heinzville based Pigmy International Film Productions announced yesterday that a sequel to mega-grossing Empire of the Ants will be released in Summer 2005.  Joan Collins, 71, star of the 1977 original, has refused to reprise her role as the unscrupulous land developer.  Producers are confident that relative newcomer, Sean van der Spak, 22, star of several popular fast food commercials in his native Canada, will impress as the unscrupulous land developer who battles killer ants in the eagerly-anticipated sequel.  Van der Spak, who wowed the producers by posing naked on an ants' nest, 'was the only choice, the only choice!' said Pigmy VP of Marketing, Jenny Kee-West.  Several locations have been scouted, and, if sources are to believed, the producers are going all-out in the special effects department.  Filming commences in early December.

Dubios to Sue Acme Inc.
Bald heavy rock singer, Cireola Dubios, 30, plans to sue cosmetics giant Acme Inc. for using her image without her consent.  Acme Inc. is countersuing, claiming Dubios agreed to the deal to have her likeness printed on bottles of hair growth tonic, and, says Acme Inc. CEO Dan Druph-McGill, 'she was paid a considerable sum of money.'  Some industry experts believe Dubios is desperate for publicity, and that the stir has been staged to generate interest in her latest CD, Balderdash.  Well-known music critic, John Stamoth, claims, 'Balderdash lives up to its name; it's pure crap.  And sales are sluggish, to say the least!' and adds, ' The whole issue with Acme Inc. is just ridiculous.  Dubios is worried about losing her recording contract, and it seems she will stoop to any level to hold onto it.'

Bogcover Announces Retirement
Veteran Hollywood critic and raconteur extraordinaire, Sir Lionel Bogcover, 78, surprised many during a press awards luncheon at the world-famous Beverly Hills Wiltshire Pub when he announced his retirement from celeb journalism.  When asked about his future plans, the iconic critic stated cryptically:  'After sixty years as a Hollywood bitch critic, I want to pursue existential interests, to go inside myself to get out of myself.'  One thing's for sure, Bogcover won't have to worry about his finances. Gorbes Magazine estimates Bogcover's net worth is somewhere in the vicinity of $200 million.

Beryl's Bankruptcy Woes
Beryl's, the once trendy nightspot chain owned by English billionaire Beryl Reidi, 92, has gone bankrupt.  Rising labour costs in the E.U. and a shift in consumer preference are to blame.  But sprightly nonagenarian Reidi, whose business empire also includes the Java United football team, Beryl's Airlines and Reidware, is adamant she will overcome this financial nightmare.  At the height of its popularity, Beryl's served one million cups of coffee daily and handed out ten thousand condoms at its four thousand nightspots worldwide.