|
 A child
prodigy whose film career started at age 3˝
months, Pico Armendez-Julia always knew he was
destined for greatness. The youngest of thirteen
children born to blind carpenter José and
homemaker/part-time FBI sniper Chachita, little Pico
whiled away his time at home by making short films with
an old movie camera that had been given to the family by
a rich relative. Little Pico's first film Scream
(1947), which was released in cinemas over the busy
Christmas period, was a dark and haunting study of a
family on the brink. An instant hit with filmgoers, the
film captivated audiences with its enlightened direction
and moving narrative. Snotbag (1948) and The
Italian Bob (1948) followed soon after, and were box
office smashes, duly cementing the one-year-old's place
in the history books. After a break of more than six
years (so he could finish kindergarten), Pico re-emerged
with the release of his Hitchcock homage Rear Window
Cleaner (1955) and all-time audience favourite Gone
With The Breeze (1957).
Between 1957 and 1977, Armendez-Julia made no films.
During this time, the young Brazilian juggled school,
sex, band practice and his ailing parents (who died in
1976). After a brief period of mourning for the two most
important people in his life, Armendez-Julia set out to
re-conquer the film world. Released in 1977, Repulsion,
a film which ripped the lid off sewage and the excretory
habits of destitute Parisian street trash, was
newly-renamed Armendez-Julio's renaissance picture.
Despite the hype surrounding the release of the former
boy wonder's new film, it opened to very mixed reviews
and grossed a paltry $245,000 at the worldwide box
office. A disillusioned Pico retreated to consider his
future. Meanwhile, Dorky Park (1978), which had
been filmed back-to-back with Repulsion, was
released to fairly mixed reviews, but fared better at
the box office, grossing a respectable $4 million.
It would not be until the release of Dorothy Does Oz
(1986) that the newly-renamed Pico Armendez would once
again find success in Hollywood. A stirring production
of one gal's life on death row in a Mexican gaol known
as Oz had critics sitting up and taking notice. A hit
sequel Dorothy Does Oz Again (1987) followed soon
after, capitalising wisely on the $500 million take of
the original. At about this time, Armendez tried
his hand at television direction, claiming "it had
always been a dream of mine to direct a TV show."
Some sources counter this by revealing that Armendez had
a serious crack cocaine addiction and did the TV work to
raise some serious cash to pay for his $3000-a-week
habit. Whatever the reason, Armendez directed a
very memorable 1987 episode ("Murder Takes The
Metro") of the long-running mystery series Murder,
He Read, the TV-movie Agatha Misty's Death on the
Rio (1991), ABC's Crack Whore (1992) and Undeniable
Proof (1993), starring then-wife Barbara Blush.
Lured back to Hollywood in 1995 with a deal to direct
and co-produce three films, newly-renamed Armendez-Julia
automatically netted himself a cool $100 million. The
first film, North Sea Hijinx (1995), was a huge hit,
raking in $2.4 billion at the box office. Red Sea Stroll
(also 1995) was a critical but moderate financial
success, while Bustarella
(also 1995) fared much better, breaking records (it
earned $1.5 billion worldwide) and turned Busty
Bambini into a megastar. Following these success
stories, Armendez-Julia took a well-earned break from
film directing. Back in the director's chair after
a three-year break, Armendez-Julia scored big with the
release of Sci-Fi hit Rebirth (1998), starring
Harrison Ford-Falcon, which earned a massive $200
million in its opening two-day weekend, securing a place
in the history books as "the film to have the
biggest opening weekend in history". Though
publicity was obviously not something the film needed,
publicity-shy Armendez-Julia did make a surprise
appearance on Orpah Winfree's hit daytime talk show The
Orpah Winfree Show to discuss the film (and to hand
out life-sized cut-outs of himself flexing his muscles).
That same year, Armendez-Julia's Dick's Guide To Sex
(1998), a brutally honest film about a leprous Cambodian
orphan nicknamed Dick, hit the headlines when it was
revealed that Armendez-Julia had actually infected the
young actor playing Dick with leprosy to add to the
film's realistic nature. An unrepentant Sao Paulo-bound
Armendez-Julia, having finished work in Hollywood for
the year, and intent on relaxing at home by the pool,
rode the brief storm of protests and possible Hollywood
blacklisting like a steroid-crazed cowboy.
Proving that Hollywood does forget (cases of leprosy),
Armendez-Julia was back in Hollywood; back in fine form,
directing films for Universe Pictures, Sonni Pictures
International and Saramount. First out of the gates was Swear
It Again (1999), a romantic comedy starring Michelle
Piper and John Bravada. Its combination of star power
and sickly sweet sex scenes proved most popular among
13-to-49-year-olds, according to Nielson audience
research. The film would go on to earn a respectable
$900 million at the box office. In the summer, Runaway
Bridal Jury (1999), a spoof of romantic comedies and
lame legal thrillers, was released with much fanfare,
bowing and chanting in the streets by over-zealous fans
camped outside the Kojak Theatre, where the film
premiered. Armendez-Julia lapped up the attention like a
cat laps up a bowl of milk. (He went on record in 2001
by saying that "those complete morons that bow and
chant and camp outside buildings in anticipation of my
films have made me filthy rich. Thank you, and, by the
way, get a life!")
In 2000, Armendez-Julia
and a group of up-and-coming directors produced a
short-lived miniseries called "Diarrhoea Runs In
The Family" which tackled the somewhat taboo
topic of diarrhoea. The program, while equally
informative and riotously amusing, was yanked from ABC's
primetime line-up after thousands of viewers complained
about very disturbing scenes involving one character's
diarrhoeal experience after pigging out at an Indian
curry restaurant in Birmingham. Embarrassed by the
failure of his pet project, Armendez-Julia retread safe
ground by directing another Dorothy film: Dorothy
Does Oz: Millennium (2001). Starring newcomer
Jennifer Booby as prison gal Dorothy, the film was a
massive hit and demonstrated to all who had predicted it
to fail that Armendez-Julia's flair for filmmaking had
not dwindled. The Living Daylight Savings (2001),
a sexy adventure/comedy/spy film starring Timothy Bolton
and Maryam Dado, followed closely on the heels of the
third Dorothy film. Critically praised and
critically panned, the film did smashing business in
Dubai, Namibia, the Solomon Islands and Chile, but was
slammed in censor-happy U.S. for its gratuitous nudity
and sexual penetration of a chook, leading to its being
yanked from cinemas mid-opening week. Armendez-Julia was
nonplussed by the protests given that his previous film
had included a prison guard forcing an inmate to eat a
fellow prisoner's turd.
Connie Booth got the right royal treatment in Phone
Connie Booth (2002), a homage to the talented
Trans-Atlantic actress that Armendez-Julia had wanted to
make ever since he first spotted her Fawlty Towers.
The classy film won a Moscar for Best Film and
introduced a whole new generation to Booth. Following
that, Armendez-Julia directed something unlike anything
he had done before: an animated feature called Speck (2003).
Voiced by Sean Penh, Speck followed the life of
an ugly woodsman of no fixed abode who liked to walk
around the forest in the nuddy. The film broke new
ground in CGI special effects and was a bona fide box
office smash, earning $2.4 billion at the box office. (A
sequel would follow in 2004.) Armendez-Julia was also
handpicked by Diznee to direct the sequel to Merry
Poppins (1968), imaginatively titled Diznee's
Merry Poppins 2: Chimney Sweepin'. Though he was
criticised by some for being more interested in profit
than substance (Armendez-Julia did earn $63 million for
directing Merry), the film went on to earn oodles
at the box office, and garnered several awards, namely a
Moscar for Best Children's Film.
Workaholic
Armendez-Julia is currently filming Mindy Anna Jones
and the Lahst Crew's Aide (2005) with Anita
Santiago, and will begin directing the
comedy/thriller Be-Bitch'd at the end of 2004. An
Armendez-Julia autobiography is planned for early 2005,
and a placemat set personally designed and signed
by Armendez-Julia himself will go on sale at the end of
next month.
Copyright
© 2004
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Bustarella
(1995)